21 November 2016

The Art of Crocheting Dicks

I'm not sure about you, but when someone purposes – let's get together and crochet some dicks – I meet that with a “HELL YEA! Let's make some dicks!” without any hesitation. Not that I have ever attempted to crochet penises before, it isn't hard to imagine how. You seriously don't need a pattern. Penises are just a dome, a cylinder and a couple of spheres... easy. 

I think it is the simplicity of the shape that makes penises such an easily reproducible object. Vaginas just get complicated and then confusing for some reason, so females get stuck with tits. But that just feels very gendered. More people need to draw/create/replicate some uterus's!

So first time crocheting a dick? It's easy enough if you can crochet a circle. <Cast off four or five loops, Attach the ends, Add a line – adding two or three stitches per loop.> I must add that I'm a lazy crocheter, meaning I very rarely do single stitches (this way I can finish projects faster). In this case you should follow my example and do either double or triple stitches. This way when you are satisfied with the shape and size of your penis head, you can tapper it of with a few single stitch lines. At this point you should continue doing double or triple stitch lines (dropping a couple stitches at the beginning) to complete the shaft.  

As a mother of two young girls, I must say they were pretty excited when I started crocheting the balls. Why? Because I was obviously crocheting small hats for their dolls! What else could they possibly be!?  I finished them up after they went to bed by crocheting the two “hats” together and then adding a couple more lines. Then you want to stuff your penis and balls and attach them at an appropriate location, being sure to close off the end of your dick.

And there you go! A beautifully crocheted dick!

I'm pretty proud of the results but then I also started to question my new found dick crocheting talent. What does one do with a bag of crocheted dicks? Do I just continue to make them into my old age so that I can fill a gallery with them and put on a show? Do I enter them into craft competitions? (it would be pretty nice to have some award wining dicks). But I have a better idea for them. I'd like to see them used to make dick pics. Imagine receiving an unwanted and unsolicited dick pic and having the power to send one back! Crochet Dick Pics for the win!  

by Amye St John at Amyest.john on Instagram.

I bloody love this and gave me a good giggle too! 

Everyone is welcome at Bad Mum Magazine. 




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