Bad Mum

Magazine

9 December 2016

Huge Welcome To...

Today I have a post about SEX and it's Friday, what more could you possible need or want? 

I wanted to someone to write a post about parenting and sex; and I found my girl! We all experience the same problems and most the time we are all too fucking knackered to even think about shagging! I am so tired, I'll do it just for the lay down!  

Here is Viv Rose from mummingmadness (on Instagram) and this is the real version of what really happens to a sex life after you've had a baby. 

SEX



"Wanna bang"? Er no. What new mother wants to do anything but sleep? This question, no joke, is a two word phrase frequently thrown around (most definitely by my husband and certainly not me) to which I pull a face like I've just been asked to eat a bowl of regurgitated diarrhoea. Poor man. When we first met, we didn't even have to discuss it! Five years later, still the same (genuinely not lying). A baby comes along and I think we've had it like 8 times max.. And she's nearly 9 months old. But why?

I'm no sex or mum guru but I think it's safe to say tiredness and fatigue are the dicks to blame. That, and maybe my lack of effort in taming any area that requires shaving! My legs are currently 'soft' and not that I-just-shaved-softness, but more like the I haven't shaved in a month and the stubble has become so long it's now soft. (Again no lie) I should maybe consider shampooing it soon? This believe it or not, is still not a turn off! The dreaded two words still come out at least a couple of times a week - and I'm really running out of excuses! All of what I speak is the truth so I'll stop putting in brackets that I'm in fact telling the truth haha - but here's another truth: I've planned for Joe to look after Amelie while I have a bath, so I can shave and 'prepare'... For three weeks now! *insert hysterical laughing emoji* I can't for the life of me figure out why it's such a chore but it's so not on my radar. Without embarrassing the husband or the reader, he's not exactly ungifted nor is he lacking such 'talent' and it's pretty enjoyable when it's taking place but it's the actual effort of getting into it that leaves me feeling like fuck this, I'm too tired.

After entertaining a baby all day, physical and mental exhaustion leaves me feeling about 75 (at least) and what 75 year old is knocking out a bit of hanky panky on a nightly basis? I bloody hope not anyway, as I'm looking forward to being 75 with my cup of tea and telly for the evening!

Still though, I have moments when I look at my husband and I just think damn, I'm one lucky lady! And for a brief (very brief) moment I think, "yea I would". And then I think of the effort required and how tired I am. I can't understand myself at times because to be honest, the sheer lack of action would mean potentially it could be over within 2 minutes - and who doesn't have two minutes in a day to make their spouse happy - but that's just it! I don't want to be thinking when's it over before it even came close to beginning! Does it get better? I sincerely hope so! Do I currently care? Not in the slightest.

Sometimes I think I have an inner phobia of ever encountering an accident and subjecting myself to pregnancy all over again - or worse another year of sleepless nights (potentially two if you include the constant piss stops in the night throughout pregnancy) but then there are ways to prevent that, so again... It must be an excuse. Excuse or no excuse one thing is certain. I adore my lovely Joe and totally wish I didn't feel this way; but truth being said, I just find each day a struggle in terms of finding energy, so how on earth I'll manage a cheeky bang on top I have no idea!

There is no lack of love that's for sure, but romance is totally not in my books since becoming a mum. I live in oversized hoodies, leggings and rock a mum-bun 6 out of 7 days of the week. The one day I don't look like that, I'm afraid I've used my spare bit of energy on making myself look presentable. So sex... I'll have to pencil you in for next time, again. Maybe a blowy? They're not so bad.

If you want to write a guest post, be featured, be interviewed or if you would like to advertise a product, please contact me to discuss. 


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