18 December 2016

One Car aka Wanker!!

Hi, it's me Sophie (you know the Bad Mum person) and you lucky people get to read a post from me!! 


One Car aka Wanker!!

When my son says one car it completely sounds like wanker – we find this bloody hilarious!

‘Jake look at that man cutting Daddy up on the roundabout over many cars have you got?’


‘Jake, Donald Trump wants to count your cars with you, how many have you got?’


OK Jake we get the message you don’t like Donald Trump...who does?

It can also come in handy when you don’t like someone or someone is being rude! Just bend down and whisper in your kids ear ‘how many cars?’ then shoot back up like nothing happened and wait – wait for the magic to happen.


When the looks from people start just simply say ‘What my child is counting his cars and he has one car! What did you think he said?’ It’s evil but hay it’s funny too! And, obviously only works when they do in fact only have one car and in the learning to talk won’t get away with it when they are 10 and calling people wankers...sorry!

I think just sometimes we have to laugh at certain situations. Obviously not laughing at your child because that is just damn right cruel but when they don’t have a clue what is happening and it gets you through the day with a giggle then, why not?

I don’t think the one car trick is up to Britain’s Got Talent level but it will at least amuse my household for a few more days.

And boy, do you need to laugh at this parenting lark sometimes or what?! The other day we took Jake to a soft play area. He can go in on his own now but likes to drag us in there at every given opportunity and my God it must be the quickest and easiest way to lose all dignity in one full sweep

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m not sitting down and drinking a hot chocolate while catching up on phone duties I fucking hate soft play area’s.

Everything about it hurts and makes you question how many mince pies you’ve eaten that day!

You have to squeeze through two massive padded rollers, which has the smallest gap in between you’ve ever seen in your life and still try to look remotely lady like in the process, then you fall out onto the floor the other side! Then you quickly shoot up to see if anyone has seen you act out the performance of Play-Doh being squeezed through a machine all while you ache everywhere like a bitch!

Even before you attempt it, you shit yourself that you won’t actually make it through to the other side and be wedged in the rollers; holding up all the kids wanting to breeze through the gap! All you need to hear is ‘Mummy, a fat lady is stuck in the rollers again and I can’t get past!!’ Cue the moment you die and never return to that evil place ever again!

If you do fit through, which I just about do then every time I get through I see it as a mini fist pump moment and reward myself with a Kit Kat.

You see other parents going through the same pain and give them the nod or make some joke like ‘who needs a gym when you can come here!’ Give me a gym anytime!! You don’t climb up, down, over, under, through tiny gaps all while trying to look graceful and putting up with that one clingy kid that never leaves you alone in a gym!

I’ll let you into a secret too...I used to be scared of going down the big slide (especially the twisty tunnel ones in the bloody dark) but you can’t be afraid in front of a child, let alone your own, can you?

Oh no, everything has to be so much fun!! I went down one for the first time and I wanted to run around the place, celebrating like I’d just won a gold medal and topping it off with a jump (fuck it, doing a bomb) in the ball pool!

I’ve even lost Jake before in a soft play area. He told me to go down one of them horrible slides and he would follow me...he didn’t. I was at the bottom and he was at the top crying but I thought he was stuck in the middle! I’ve never run through the padded assault course as fast as I did that day in all my life. I was grabbing children and screaming ‘have you seen my son’ in their faces and even watching children come down the slide then asking them if a child was stuck in the middle – well obviously not!

He had just wondered off looking for me and was happily playing. Me on the other hand looked like a complete nutter with static hair and a sock missing! I pay money for this shit!

Anyway, you have to laugh and next time that clingy kid won’t leave us I’ll tell Jake to count his car and next time I lose him by accident I’ll shout out Wanker! 

Everyone is a winner. 


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