6 January 2017

THE XBOX... Enough said?

This is a post I wrote before my son come along and the days of lazing around in bed for as long as we wanted too...what a distant dream that now is! And sleep, what the fuck is sleep?! 

I must admit now Simon barely goes on the Xbox anymore but this is what I used to have to put up with day after day after day (just imagine a geek that never leaves his little box room and only has virtual reality mates!) 

THE XBOX... Enough said?

When a girl wakes up and feels a hard object prodding her in the back she normally thinks one of two things that either her bloke is in the mood for some morning glory and is completely off track half way up her back or he has left that bloody Xbox controller in the bed again! Well you do if you are an Xbox Widow.

Next follows a loving whisper in her ear of... something sexy? Even something romantic or offering her some breakfast made by his own fair hands? Nope! The whisper is “Are you still a little bit sleepy? If so, would you like to go back to sleep for a little while and I will just have a little go on COD?”

Good Morning Soph!

For any non geek people out there (and anyone that has a life) then COD is Call of Duty. A game that seems to be VERY addictive and makes men turn into boys. Also, makes them wear funny headgear and shout at the TV too!

Now, on this occasion I said “Yes, you crack on and play the Xbox and I will sit and observe (mock)” and that is what happened, followed by me telling all of you! To be fair I am not the only girl in this situation... am I?

So, he positions himself on the bed, this position is very important as he perches on the side on the bed and I have asked the question “why don’t you at least have some cushions and get comfortable?” but this is a no, no apparently! If he was comfortable then that would mean he wouldn’t move at all for several hours and this way he will only play for 3 – 5 hours. If it was me then personally I would get a comfortable chair, some cushions, a bit of chocolate, a drink, my phone and maybe some relaxing candles but hay what do I know? Those nice wooden sticks that smell of lavender? Oh, a massage chair! Yes, that would really hit the spot... literally!

Next the pilot headgear goes on. I will admit this is not a great look unless you are sitting in a real aeroplane and are about to take me to the Maldives. But you scarily get used to it quickly and it all blends into his head! We are talking big old earphones and a microphone that comes down (and also goes up too) to speak into. Now, I will warn all new Xbox Widows like me once this pilot headgear goes on you will then have no communication at all and you have to go back to the basic of sign language and don’t worry if you have never done Sign Language Level 1 course as you will think of some hand signs to do, believe me!

Your bloke is now in the Xbox bubble... I think this is the technical term?

You know what I could get my head around the headgear (sorry for the pun, actually I am not as I am bit proud) and the geekiness/childishness of it all but one part of the whole Xbox floored me! When do you ever find out that your boyfriend can type a whole message to his mate in the time it took my eyelids to come down, close and go back up again, technically called a blink? Well, you never do unless you witness the nerdiness for yourself! 

Oh, we are not talking about just typing like I am now... akufhsiudghsidgohrog ... no we are talking about selecting each letter separately then pressing a button (I don’t know what one! Not that dedicated to the post), then selecting the next letter and pressing that button and so on! You have to even move the bloody controller down to the space bar! He must have written this sentence is 0.3 seconds (to be precise.)

When do you know someone has this skill? And when would you ever need this skill?

After he wrote his message ‘hi mate, fancy a little game of cod?’ he glanced over his shoulder at me and I gave him the L shape finger on my forehead. Yes the loser sign and I got a laugh back followed by him telling all his mates (through the pilot microphone). I think I made my point, thank you.  

He then begun his game and apart from people getting shot, running around just killing more people and someone dying, I got bored and turned over. Now and then I would feel a vibrating sensation on me and any other time I would get my hopes up but no it’s just the controller adding more effect to the crap, sorry game. I am not sure how us girls are meant to fall back to sleep when all you can hear is “RUN YOU DICKHEAD...BUZZ...GET THE FLAG...OH MY GOD WE ARE WORKING WITH IDIOTS...BUZZ...RODNEY, WHAT YOU DOING YOU BELL END!!”

You see the Xbox can end in two ways either you are both still in love and he is getting you a lovely breakfast as you was such a great girlfriend and let him play OR you both screaming at each other as 5 hours have gone and you have done sod all!

To be fair I think the Xbox can be alright if I am chilling and doing my own thing too, as we all need our thing but not to the extreme of using up all hours in the day, getting nothing done and causing rows too!

Can someone please invent a new gadget for the ladies out there? Maybe the Ybox? As long as it dished out chocolate, Vodka, TV programmes on repeat and kept that little vibrating gizmo then I am sure we will all stop complaining so much...


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