Bad Mum

Magazine

20 March 2017

First outing of my puppies!

Parenting is hard. Fact. Every choice whether pram, cot, feeding apparel, clothing, names…. all have about a bazillion options. Our first visit to the garage of prams at Mothercare was so overwhelming! Who knew there were so many different ways you could push a kid around? Everyone has an opinion on what you should pick. I was not prepared for this mayhem at all. 

I thought I’d share with you my first experience of feeding my little monster outdoors. Mainly to highlight that no one knows what the fuck they are doing or how to do it the “proper” way….#wingingit. So if you feel as though you don’t know what you are doing. Don’t worry – neither did supermum to start with and you will figure it out.

I chose to breastfeed my son, mainly because I had so much support and encouragement from the man. It was a decision that was so difficult to continue with at the beginning. The combination of never doing it before, being drowned in self-doubt hormones, worrying about giving this precious new bundle all the nutrients he needed…….all added up to one worried mum. I won’t lie. I spent a lot of time crying in the first few weeks.

We spent the first few days (about) in the house for feeding times. Whenever guests came round, I would either use some milk I had been able to express (I had puppies like dolly parton to begin with so HAD to express to relieve the pain) or I would take him in to the bedroom to feed. I wasn’t confident enough to feed him in front of our friends or family at this point. My son took AGES to latch on which made me feel really incompetent at doing it and I would get flustered thinking other people would think I was unable to do the most basic “mum” task properly. Obviously, looking back, I know people weren’t thinking this about me but in the moment I really wanted to show everyone I was a “natural”.


So the time came when me and the man went for a walk with the monster. We were in the park and he started crying. The man said he probably needed feeding. The dread kicked in. Whilst I know this is about feeding, not getting boobs out, the fact remained, I had to do this in order to feed my child. I had never done this (sober) before. So this was me:



The conversation with the man went along the lines of this:

Man: Erm, what the fuck are you doing?

Me: Feeding our son

Man: Why the fuck are you under the sheet? (he swears a lot)

Me: So no one can see my puppies

Man: You do know no one cares and no one was looking until you put that over your head?

Me: Erm…

At this point, the wind intervened (it was April) and blew it off my head. I panicked, grabbed for the cloth and placed it over my boob/son’s head/knee. The monster carried on feeding regardless. No one around was even a little bit interested in what I was doing. I realise now that my man speaks a lot of sense. He was lucky enough not to be swimming in hormones.

I was nervous of feeding in front of other people throughout the time I breastfed. My stomach would knot up when I heard my son crying. But with each experience/feed, it got a little bit easier. Thankfully, I was never received any negative comments or staring whilst feeding. I’m not sure my hormonal state could have taken it!
Motherhood pushes you from the moment you see that extra line on the test. However prepared you try to be, you will never feel fully ready. Surround yourself with support and most importantly, know that no one is judging you. You and your child are new to this. You will learn together. It took me to look like a ghost to feel confident enough to feed in public, I’m sure I’ve never read that in a manual.

You can do it.

Written by Nicola from @phd_mum  


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