Bad Mum

Magazine

3 October 2017

Things I have learnt about myself and newborn babies in the first week or so:



They feed a lot or a little; there is no routine... so Fraser will feed and then will want more straight away/in an hour or will go comatose for three hours - there is literally no logic at all and you are their milk slave, get over it.

Newborn boys like to pee on you, themselves, the floor, anywhere with no warning like little replicas of the Las Vegas Bellagio fountains.

Newborn poo is gooey and stodgy and then turns into yellow mustard seeds - who knew! 

Mustard seed poo and milky burps smell like fermented sugar puffs 

You will become obsessed with feeding amounts, poo, wind and nappies.

Remembering when your baby last fed, how long they fed for or how much they had (if bottle feeding) will challenge you more than the questions on University Challenge. Get an app and log it. It makes life tons easier and you can like a pro when asked by the health visitor/midwife how much baby is eating (how on earth did Mum's cope back in the day? Or did they just not worry as much?!) 

The volume of sick a baby can produce does not correlate to the amount they've just eaten. They can drink an ounce of milky and then projectile vomit enough milky goo to fill the bathtub

Baby sick can travel impressive distances and will find its way into every nook and cranny

When a baby is sick they will likely want to eat straight away as they're starving again - makes no sense but just roll with it, these newborns don't deal in logic 

Trying to work out whether your newborn is, or will be too warm or cold requires the same level of knowledge as a rocket scientist

You will change you newborn anywhere between once and 3 million times a day

Newborns are super cute dressed in little outfits, but nothing beats cuddling a newborn wrapped up in a sleep suit/babygrow 

Your washing machine will never have worked so hard and you will wish you bought shares in Persil/Comfort given the amount you're going through... 

You will do a ridiculous amount of steps per day without leaving the house as you are constantly up and down feeding, changing etc  - I'm averaging at least 10,000 a day (according to my fancy watch) and that's while I'm meant to be taking it easy and healing.

You will become obsessed with a small human who doesn't do very much and will find yourself staring a lot

When not staring at your newborn you will turn into a rubbish paparazzi. Your phone storage will disappear quicker than a pizza around a 10 year old

You can survive on surprisingly little sleep but the consequence is that you will become 'hormotional' so make the most of nap times and get over the fact that you now cry like a loser regularly... I'm hoping this isn't a new skill I can add to my CV and that it will disappear eventually

Babies like to wake up and need feeding just as you're about to drink the brew you've just made or when you're about to sit down to dinner - this is known more commonly as Sod's law 


And finally, biscuits always help, FACT 

Written by Rhian @rhifreshing 

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