Bad Mum

Magazine

22 June 2018

A beginner’s guide to single motherhood

I have been a single mum, a lone parent, a solo mother (whatever your preferred label) for three years now.  There have been times when I’ve let it all get on top of me and overwhelm me.

My son was five months old when I left his father.  Single motherhood was never my plan.  I had been with his father for six years.  Our son was definitely planned.  I doubt I am the only person to say that parenthood changes everything.  Parenthood always changes everything.

I once read that becoming a mother is like finding another room in your house.  A new and exciting room that you never knew was there.  Apparently the new room that is motherhood expands your horizons and enables you to explore different aspects of your personality and character. 

For me, becoming a mother was more like a total house refurbishment.  It was like taking the roof off my house and moving all of the walls.  All of a sudden the light shone in and lit up the unsavoury and uncomfortable aspects of my life that I had hidden in dark corners and under the furniture.  All of the uncomfortable aspects of our relationship that I’d hidden under the carpet were suddenly in the spotlight.  All of the clues as to different values, religions, upbringing, the fact that we had different views on parenting and family life were suddenly in sharp relief. 

There was not one reason why I left my son’s father.  There were a million and one reasons. 

No-one chooses to become a single parent.  Even mothers who become single mothers ‘by choice’ are women who desperately want a child, but just haven’t met the person who they want to have a child with. 

Single mothers suffer from the single mother stereotype.  The single mother stereotype portrays single mothers as in their teens, on benefits and as bad parents.  In reality, the average age of a single mother is 37.  Most single mothers work, and trust me when I tell you that we are not bad parents. 

Single mothers are also seen as silly women who make bad choices.  For me there is some truth in this.  I made a bad choice of partner, but I had the courage to do something about it, and of that I am proud.


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21 June 2018

Why would this mum run two marathons in two weeks?


This April I ran two marathons – Manchester and London. “Why on earth would you do that?” I hear you cry. Well, it’s because I was fundraising for an incredible charity that is doing research and work in a field that I am super-passionate about: Pre-eclampsia.
Here’s my “why”…

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20 June 2018

FESTIVAL GUIDE 2018

Credit to Andrew Whittington

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5 June 2018

A Walk Therapy


Do you find yourself feeling trapped within the bubble of parenthood? Do the walls of your house seem to be closing in on you? Does the air feel heavy and make it feel so hard to breathe?
All this and so much more happens to so many of us as we start our journey through parenthood. New mothers, left exhausted and sleep deprived, unable to adjust quickly enough to the changes the new arrival has brought to the life you used to have. No privacy, no time for yourself, no time to eat, to drink, to take a shower. You lose the grasp of the reality and days become nights; you are lost, you are lonely, you are trapped; trapped at home, trapped within the tired and exhausted self, trapped mentally, physically and emotionally.
No one doubts your love and care for your new baby. You love them so much that you give yourself entirely without holding back, you live and breathe your child, doing everything to make sure your baby is healthy and happy. You devote, dedicate, you give your all, leaving your mental and physical health neglected because, in your eyes, you do not matter.
I have been through this, and I felt like I was disintegrating. I felt so lonely, even when people were around. I felt helpless, even if help was offered. I felt weak, I felt like I was failing, even when I did well. I was scared to speak and tell anyone how I was truly feeling inside, holding a brave front, masking it with makeup, acting like I had a good control of everything.
I struggled. I hated how I was feeling, hated myself, my post-pregnancy body, hated me.  I didn’t like to feel weak, I thought I was not supposed to feel this way. I thought I was not allowed to be anything but strong and put together.
How wrong I was!
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Am I an adult or do I have super powers?




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25 May 2018

5 Mommy duties that I am willing to swap.


I love being a mommy despite the countless war sessions I have with my 4 year old. I love the way he rises up to my arguments and has his own views on my ways of the world. I am also guilty of stooping down to a level that is sometimes lower than his age, just to vent out my irritation.

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21 May 2018

The Royal Wedding Demonstrates Why Women Are Each Other’s Worst Enemies.


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18 May 2018

How (and why) to have an amazing Monday!


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There's nothing lucky about it (but I sure am grateful!)


I am lucky to have my partner, he is (mostly) wonderful. Where I refuse to say I’m lucky is he does do the laundry and gets the changing bag ready- all by himself-  if he takes our daughter out, which he often does. I am not the lucky one, we all are- the three of us: to be able to build and lead this life together, as a family. To have two parents share responsibility for our daughter and be able to follow our separate career dreams: that’s fortunate. Oh, and the result of some careful thought and planning. So, the aim is: our daughter will grow up knowing her worth and capabilities are not defined by gender, seeing both parents do the housework and chores and -more importantly- doing other things that bring them joy. 

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15 May 2018

BAD MOTHER campaign!

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Post Natal Depression


Here’s another one for M A T E R N A L | M E N T A L | H E A L TH | M A T T E R S week

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11 May 2018

‘Today I am a Sofa’


Becoming a parent means to set yourself on a path of continuous growth and development. You change and go through milestones of your own just like your baby goes through theirs.
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10 May 2018

Time For Us


What a ruddy brilliant bank holiday weekend I had with my lovely man and our gorgeous boy, we spent it at home, doing some housey jobs, spending time in the garden, having a few drinks and eating all of the meat - what bank holidays are made for - right? 


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9 May 2018

Top 10 tips for busy Mum's!


From teaching cooking classes I know that for most parents, it isn’t an inability to cook, but a lack of time that stops people cooking and gets them reaching for the takeout menu or meal delivery boxes. As a working mum, I know how easy it is to slip into eating rubbish, spending a fortune on ready-made food or eating out just because it is suddenly 7pm, you’ve just got home and everyone is starving. I’m no angel, I know the lure of take out or toast when I’m tired.

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8 May 2018

Loving messy life with a toddler

I often feel as though I am just one more dirty diaper, sharp toy under my bare foot, spilled cup of water, whiney “I'm hungry” away from a complete breakdown. Daily. Multiple times a day actually.

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4 May 2018

The Grief Mum


My gran was my best friend; I spent nearly every weekend and after
school there. I even went for lunch most days so I could save my
dinner money so I could buy Harry Potter books.

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2 May 2018

Making memories. Not photos for social media.

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Wish You Were Here!

Hi everyone!

This weeks travel post is something a little different to any of the others I've done, because the destination we traveled to is in England! If you don't fancy heading to the airport and travelling abroad, it can be quite difficult to find something suitable here in the UK. You often end up spending the same amount of money (if not more!) as you'd pay to spend some time in the sun.


I looked through lots of different sites and reviews from parents all over the UK as to which holiday park they would recommend, and a name that kept cropping up was Rockley Park. Rockley Park is a Haven Holidays park in the Poole area of Dorset, I loved Haven the few times I went as a child so I decided to look into it as an option for us. When I found out that Rockley Park had a luxury spa, was right by the beach, kids activities on throughout the entire day, heated indoor AND outdoor pools and modern, stylish caravans I knew this was the place for me! What sold it even more is that it was so much closer to Peppa Pig World than we are at home and I really wanted to take my son there.


After looking through different deals I managed to get an amazingly low price for 4 nights in a Platinum caravan for 2 adults and 2 infants at just £240! This was a promotional offer and at such a low cost we booked straight away. Originally we were due to go in June but as a result of unforeseen circumstances we had to change our stay to the Easter holidays which was disappointing as the weather wasn't great but we still had a lovely time.


In the double room we also had a TV, a good sized mirror,
a wardrobe, drawers, and storage compartments either side and
above the bed   




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27 April 2018

25 April 2018

Comedian and Children’s Author David Walliams named Judge of the 10th National Young Writers’ Awards!

Free writing competition for children aged four to 14 with the theme of HEROES
Winners awarded a trip to Disneyland Paris and £500 of books for their school
Best-selling Author and Comedian David Walliams is this year’s incredible judge who will surprise the winner at their school! 

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24 April 2018

When you have everyone and no one...!


Fourteen months off came to an end for me at the beginning of this year. 13 of those months were just incredible, yep I include the sleepless nights and initial issues with breastfeeding in all of that, I was just on some kind of constant new Mum high. I’ve found motherhood a completely challenging and liberating experience. Something I doubt it’ll ever stop being.

I had to throw myself straight into work. None of this steady progress in. I didn’t have any keeping in touch (KIT) days. Of course they were offered, I just couldn’t take them. Most of you will know they aren’t compulsory anyways, but they do help you ease back into having adult conversations about non-baby topics and focusing on ‘work’ stuff. I couldn’t use them because I had no childcare. The moment I did, was the moment I went back to work. Until then, it was just me and my husband and well… that’s it!

We are surrounded by lots of family and friends. My husband is one of five, and there’s plenty of nieces and nephews. I’m one of three. But it’s only now 17 months on I realise how sad it is that we are surrounded by everyone and no one.


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MIND THE BUMP!


"Are you sure it's not twins in there?" The woman in the lift asked the expectant mum to be. I looked up just to catch the expression of the pregnant lady, who smiled coyly and laughed in the same way you do when you bang your funny bone.

Let me set the scene slightly differently: Two women in a lift, one says to the other "God you look huge, who ate all the pies?" Well that's just totally unacceptable isn't it? To comment on a persons size in such an upfront manner yet when we see a pregnant lady all social etiquette seem to go flying out the window. Why is this?

For me pregnancy is a personal journey, it's a private journey and it's a totally unique journey to each individual.

I have been lucky enough to have three pretty straightforward pregnancies, carrying to full term with little hiccups along the way (well the girl caused a few hiccups or shall we say large burps but that's a whole other blog post). In a nutshell I was fortunate enough to carry on as normal with my day to day life and pay little attention to my growing bump. And frankly that's how I liked it, my first pregnancy was a huge surprise or as the Earth mums say "a happy accident". -insert rolling eyes here- and so it wasn't a part of my immediate plans thus throwing me off balance and re routing me totally!! 

I'll be blunt and say I didn't want children or at least hadn't planned for them, I was selfish and ambitious and knew nothing about kids nor did I like them much! So perhaps my feelings towards pregnancy stem from my feelings of being a fraud, feeling inadequate. What did I know about being a mum? I remember asking my own mum "what if I don't like it? What if it doesn't like me?" She obviously laughed and thought it was ridiculous I would even question such a thing! But I wasn't kidding, I'd never met this person, so who was to say I'd like them?? What if I didn't experience that immediate love at first sight as soon as my baby was placed on me?

I didn't like my changing body either! I was used to being slim and athletic, having trained as a dancer my entire life I was confident in the skin I was used to! (That said I always hated my boobs so I did enjoy my D cups while they lasted!) I felt uncomfy in my clothes and in fact lived in an oversized tracksuit most of the time! So am I the only one?? Am I a freak of some kind because I didn't take bump pics? Am I abnormal because I didn't feel a huge connection to my growing baby? I didn't update social media with my pregnancy news, I didn't want to bore anyone to be honest. In fact social media didn't know I was pregnant, my pictures were strategic, a floral maxi dress, a large handbag or a child cuddling me all worked well as my many disguises throughout my term.

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18 April 2018

Gemma Wade, You Say Tomato Cooking



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Done at One?


The feelings are so changeable I can’t even keep up with myself. The daily thought spins around inside my head like a washing machine on steroids. My heart tells me one thing and my head says another whilst my body literally wants to shut up shop. Some days it’s a positive, some days ‘it’s a no from me’ and other days (most days) I simply don’t have an answer to the biggest question of the moment. Am I done at one?

Will I have another baby? Not just any baby but an HG (Hyperemesis gravidarum) baby? Because there’s an 86% chance that’s exactly what I’ll have.
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27 March 2018

Fifty Shades of Green


Have a baby they said, you'll glow they said.
So I did, but I didn't.
My glow was more a shade of pond green algae rather than the pregnant lady radiance I had hoped for.
It all proceeded with a puke until the darkness descended. 

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26 March 2018

My truth



I've started this at least 30 times over the last two years and it might be another 2 before I finish it but here goes....

If you've ever wondered about my Son's biological Father then I hope this answers any questions. I feel exceptionally vulnerable writing this but I feel like it's time to explain.

I worked in a bar in my early 20s. I was as sassy as they came and thought I knew it all. A new chef came in one day and I took a shine to him. On further investigation he was just out of rehab for an alcohol problem. Naively at that point I had no idea the seriousness of this. Who was I to judge? It didn't put me off and I want to punch myself in the face for saying this but I think it might have spurred me on.I was a fixer you see. Most of the problems in my life were caused by me being a fixer but I learned this the hard way.

T was quiet and placid so the polar opposite of me. He was never charismatic or charming but there was a vulnerability I saw and wanted to help. I was warned off by many and this made me more determined to make it work. I've always been a stubborn shite.This isn't a character assisanation but T was someone you'd describe as non-descript. He didn't have much about him really but he was kind to me at a time when I needed it more than I knew.

I finished uni and moved in with him almost right away. I was flat sharing at the time but spent less and less time at my own place. I remember telling my Nan I was giving up my flat and her saying she'd pay my rent just to have it empty. Just in case. I should have known then but, as always paid no attention.

I must mention an incident that happened early on as it sticks with me. I was a size 16, maybe 18. I never cared really. T had gathered information on a gastric band for me and showed me it one day. I was angry and hurt. He later apologised but that's when it started I think. The chipping away of my confidence. Control. I should have packed my bags then but I didn't.

We had a fairly good relationship. The lack of alcohol was never an issue. I was as supportive as a 22 year old knew how to be. T had a good job and I worked my arse off in 2 jobs so we were financially secure. We did nice things, but looking back there was no real love. We both had rocky upbringings and it was the safety I liked, I think. We didn't argue and stupidly decided to try for a baby after about a year. After the shaky start we had as kids, it seemed somehow we could but it right by giving a baby a good chance. I now realise how ridiculous this sounds.

We wanted to do it right. We went to the doctor to discuss me coming off the pill. As I'd be on for so long they said it could take up to a year. 2 weeks later I was pregnant. I was over the moon but sadly that's when the wheels started to come off. The day of my positive tests (all 19) T called to say he was in hospital. Apparently he was so excited he'd cut into his hand at work. I was angry he'd almost stolen my thunder and been so careless. Looking back I'm convinced this was deliberate. I now look back and question everything. You're about to find out why.

In the early days when we stayed up all night talking, he confided in me that his first love was killed in a car accident. He cried and the story was so horrific I did too. I know now that this was a complete lie.

Anyway the cutting of the hand was the very start. Things escalated very quickly. He started working late and starting early then eventually just disappearing. For days. I didn't tell anyone except one friend for fear of the "I told you so" chat and also I didn't really want to admit to myself the reality.
I thought he was nervous and scared. I was too. I was also suffering with hyperemesis gravidium so was in and out of hospital - alone mostly. I just plodded along like the determined little shite I am. Throwing up at the side of the road on the way to work every day with zero support or sympathy.

One day T had been out all night. I was 6 months pregnant. He came in and seemed odd. I asked if he'd been drinking and he said no. He didn't smell of alcohol but something wasn't right. I went through his pockets and found diazepam (or valium) and confronted him. T wasn't a shouter but he was angry. I knew so little about addiction or drugs but I knew the tablets weren't his. I asked where he'd got them and he told me a local dealer. I was horrified. I shouted, and to this day I still partly blame myself for what happened next. That's how abusers make you feel though. I now know that.

Heavily pregnant and ready to leave for work he came in the bathroom when I was wiping my tears. My tears of knowing I was 23, pregnant and very much alone. My tears of knowing my naivity had really done it now and I was about to bring a baby into a completeshambles of a relationship. T was like a mad man. He punched me in the face so hard I fell right to the ground. I remember shouting 'my baby' and Ill never forget the evil in his voice as he shouted 'fuck your baby” as he repeatedly kicked me in the stomach.

After what seemed like forever he just took himself to bed. I left quickly. Terrified he'd come after me. I was covered in blood but in a complete state of shock I left for work. My neighbour saw me. I didn't know her but she grabbed me in her house without even thinking. I told her what had happened and she cleaned me up and hugged me. She told me I had to call the police. I knew I did too but I had to get to work. Or I thought it did. I was a store manager and didn't want the shop to not open. Again I think the shock just didn't allow me to realise what had just happened. I went to work, opened the store and calmly called the police. I was in a complete trance. I didn't want to be that person. People like me weren't battered woman. I was strong. Not anymore.

Did you know most domestic abuse starts during pregnancy? When a woman is at her most vulnerable. Neither did I.

I left work. I made my excuses and headed straight to hospital to get checked. All I could think about was my baby. I really want to tell you how supportive the hospital were but sadly that just wasn't the case. I was made to feel small and I was judged. I was treated like a victim. It must be so frustrating for them to see woman in that situation time after time but I really do feel there are better ways to speak to people. I'm hoping I was an isolated incident and other people have had better experiences than I did. They also didn't scan me as they assured me the baby was ok. I was terrified so booked an emergency private scan. I'm so grateful I was in a position to do that as I couldn't imagine going through my pregnancy not knowing for sure.

The police came next. I've got a knot in my stomach writing this as never in a million years do I want to put anyone off reporting abuse. It really needs reporting. The reason so many people get away with this shit is because it's not reported enough but the police…weren't that helpful. I was made to feel like just another stupid battered woman. I was made to feel like I'd go back for more and give them more work. Again I was judged. Also I wasn't aware that all domestic were reported to the social work where kids are involved. It makes perfect sense but it just hadn't crossed my mind. The way I was told this made me feel under fire as a parent. like I was about to be investigated. I've never been so terrified in all my life.

I didn't charge T. The police made it clear it was my word against his and it seemed like more hassle at a time I didn't need it. A decision I'll always regret now but it felt right at the time. I wasn't protecting him - or at least I thought I wasn't. I was leaving him and I did. 6 months pregnant and sleeping on my aunt's floor. It wasn't how I'd envisaged my third trimester but here I was.

I left him with everything and just didn't go back. I'd gone from financially secure to virtually penniless in the space of a few weeks. I'll never forget my best friend when I told her. She was the only person who didn't judge me. She didn't give me the look of pity I was so used to but instead she helped me sort the practicalities. She bought me a bed the day I told her. In all the shit going on that's the one act of kindness that sticks out. Always look for the helpers.

Her Mum gave me advice on getting a place to stay and I'm so fortunate that within about 5 weeks I had a flat from the council. It was hardly the dream and had blood splattered up the walls when I moved in but with help from my family it quickly became home.

I'll never forget having to tell my grandparents. At that point my Grandad was ill and I didn't want to make things worse so I kept them in the dark until I was settled. Deep down I think I was ashamed and stupidly protecting T too but I couldn't bring myself to cause them distress at such a hard time. My Nan never judged me. Not once. Calmly I told her I left him and why. She told me it was going to be ok and she was right. She was always bloody right!

I didn't hear much from T after that but I do know he quickly went downhill. He had been drinking and I found out he was heavily addicted to diazepam and a pretty impressive collection of prescription drugs too. How could I not have noticed that you're probably wondering but I was throwing up 30 times a day, working a really stressful job and coming to terms with the fact I had a baby on the way. That's how!
He wasn't apologetic. He didn't actually seem to think he'd done anything that wrong. He played a great victim.

Something else I have to mention was something I'd never even heard of until I'd met T. I was sick to the stomach when I found out and it still makes me shudder now. T was a smoker and often left cans of gas lying around. I didn't smoke but knew they were forfilling lighters. Or so I thought. From the beginning I found them all over the house. It didn't sit right with me but I wasn't sure why. One day I found a bin bag with at least 50 empty butane cans in. I knew then, I think but chose to take his word that nothing way wrong. After he beat me he then mocked me with the fact I was so stupid for believing him. He was addicted to inhaling gas. I still can't believe people do that. It seems like such alien, grim behaviour but then that's addiction.

Addiction is selfish and it doesn't care. Once you've witnessed true addiction your eyes are opened. As much as I hate T for everything I genuinely wouldn't wish addiction on anyone. It rips through life and reality like a hurricane. It doesn't give a fuck.

After I moved we spoke more and more. About the relationship he'd have with the baby. I refused to be the person who kept a child from his father. I so wanted to do the right thing but I genuinely didn't know what that was. T confided in me one day. He said he'd got his act together and he had panicked as we'd got pregnant so quickly. He reminded me we had a good thing and asked if I'd consider putting the baby up for adoption so we could continue with the way things were. I said no obviously but still couldn't help feel slightly sorry for him. I know that probably sounds insane but the pressure was just too much. I blamed myself for agreeing to a baby and felt robbed. This wasn't what I'd signed up for. I was now alone but very much ready to do this. I wasn't going to let that baby down.

T swore he'd sorted himself out. Everyone believed him. I almost did too but once you've been hurt like that you'll never really trust someone. I could never have made it work with him. Wondering. I agreed to let him be part of the babies life.

I had a visit from the social workers to discuss the situation. Unlike the police and the hospital they were great. Their priority is always the children and that's 100% how it should be. They come under fire a lot but they had my back. They were obviously glad I'd broken away and happy to support me in any way they could. My parenting abilities never came under scrutiny. They put me on to the woman's aid who were also amazing! I can't stress that enough. The police and the hospital are on the front line but woman's aid and social workers have all of the real experience and tools to help. I really wish that was publicised more.

Anyway I digress. In the last 2 months of my pregnancy, social workers called me about 5 times to make me aware of failed suicide attempts by T. They had a duty to keep me in the loop and once again my life was taken over by fear. It's round about then thatthe threats started. T lived 5 minutes from me and in 2 months my tyres were slashed and windscreen smashed time after time. He followed me and watched me coming home. He made it clear if I didn't take him back my life would be hell. The police rolled their eyes at every call I made. Just another domestic you see! Even if you're spilt up it's still a domestic and then there were no stalking laws in Scotland.

I remember my aunt telling me once the baby was born my sense of loss at my relationship with T would diminish. She couldn't have been more right. This little bundle was mine and I didn't care about anyone else. That baby saved my life. I threw myself into motherhood. I did baby massage and reflexology in between constant abuse and threats from T. I just cracked on with it. To this day I don't know how I did it.


One day I was about to have some well deserved time off and go out with my friends. I got a picture message of T slicing his arm. My friends we're supportive as the night was cancelled while we waited to give a police statement. He loved the control. He didn't want to die. He wanted to make my life hell.
On one of his many failed suicide attempts I got a call to say they weren't sure if he'd make it through the night. Religious I am not but I swear that night I prayed so hard he wouldn't. The months of hell I'd endured I felt like him dying was my only way to happiness with my son. He made it though the night. The hell continued.

Eventually I begged social work to stop telling me what was going on. They were satisfied I'd left him and did. That angered him too. He needed my attention. My Son was never his priority it was always me. I sort of wish it was because he loved me but really I know it's because he hated himself so much be just wanted to make me miserable too.

For legal reasons and to protect an innocent party I can't explain how, but on one day after many a death threat I found out T had spent 7 years in prison. I won't go into it but think about the sort of thing you get 7 years for. He didn't steal a bar of soap put it that way. That day I found out a lot about him I was never supposed to know. It was only then I realised the seriousness. I had to get this man out my life.

I changed my number and got some very quick legal advice. I had no idea what I was doing but I knew this hell needed to end. Within 2 days I had an interdict with power of arrest. This is the Scottish version of a restraining order but due to the closeness of our flats meant he didn't have to stay away from me. He wasn't allowed to cause me fear. I felt safe at last. Naively. He stood and watched my every move. The fact he couldn't contact me made him angry. When I reported him I was told that being near me wasn't a crime. I just had to accept that and stop wasting police time.

There were too many incidents after that to mention as I realise this is already far longer than I wanted it to be. T struck up a friendship with my upstairs neighbour. How convenient? He could now watch me all day long from the comfort of my building. Thank you Scottish law for that technicality!

This went on and on. As soon as he realised we were over our Son never came into it. Other than to tell me I was a bad mother for keeping him away from his Dad. I only spoke to him via lawyers and advised he could see the baby in a safe place provided he was clean and sober. This never really materialised apart from a handful of empty promises.

After a night out, baby was at my Dads and I came home about 2am. Guess who was in my stair? He followed me in the house and I told him to leave. He was drunk and calling me a bad mother for leaving our Son. I was drunk and obviously feeling brave cos I tried to push him out my front door. I didn't have the strength and he pinned me against the wall by the neck. He said he would kill me and at that point I knew he was serious. I genuinely thought that was it for me. All I could think about was my child. He left eventually.Leaving me in a heap with strangle marks all over my neck. I knew I had to get out the house.

I ran to a taxi office and called my brother. I didn't know what else to do. I put a scarf on a told my brother we'd had a falling out. He still wasn't aware of the situation as I was stupidly protecting T. I knew my brother would go nuts and I didn't want a backlash so I thought it better to just sit quiet. Years later my brother told me at that point he'd already guessed what was going on.

Domestic abuse is the single most confusing thing I've ever encountered. I went from wanting him dead to feeling terrible as he was the father of my son. I hated what he had done but also mourned the person I thought I knew and loved. That was the hardest part.

I didn't go back to my house after that. I was sure he'd kill me. I went to live with my Dad and took steps to find somewhere else to live. I was so low at that point I didn't even realise. I had no quality of life. I was frightened to go out and embarrassed of the mess I was in. Through it all I still blamed myself for allowing this to happen. I didn't event realise how much this man had broken me until now when I just wrote this paragraph.

One day I got a call from my Nan to say that T had text her to say he was going to kill her. He said he was going to set fire to her house. My Nan knew half a story at that point so didn't take it too seriously but after much persuasion called the police. My Grandad as so ill at that point and I was ashamed by the drama I brought at the worst time. The police explained how difficult it would be to charge T and advised my Nan it could end up being a stressful process for her. I sobbed and begged for her to charge him but understood her decision not to. That was that. Once again there were zero consequences for him and yet again I was living in fear.

I continued to live at my Dads trying to maintain a normal life for my Son. One day I went to check my house as it was empty. Baby and I were in the house for a matter of minutes and I was so scared he'd come and hurt us. I went to leave and my carpet was on fire. He'd put lit paper thought my letterbox in a attempt to set fire to my house. I quickly got it out, left and called the police. They got him on his way back from mine. He denied it of course.

It took weeks to investigate but I was sure that justice would prevail. It didn't. They couldnt even charge him. Not enough evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking tragic. In the few weeks it took for the investigation I moved house. Far enough away that he couldn't find us. I lived in hiding for a while and had nightmares for about 5 years. I went on medication for anxiety as I suffered panic attacks. It took me years of counselling to rebuild my life but I did. My boy is 8 now and is aware he has 'another' Dad but that's all he knows. My husband raised him from 3 and is not just his Dad but a wonderful father.

I've never told my husband everything but he knows bits and has pieced things together. I don't like to talk about it, so feel that by writing this, it's out there. Violence scares me and I can't deal with men shouting. My husband understands and luckily is the kindest, gentlest man I could have asked for.

So there it is. That isn't even it all, but I'm aware this is now longer than my dissertation was so thank you for reading this.

One final note. I have noticed how many people who have been victims of domestic abuse and don't like to talk about it. I, more than anyone, can understand why, but sadly this means there is a massive lack of awareness. The stigma is very much still there and until more of us speak up it will remain. We need to work at removing the shame and victim blaming surrounding the issue.

I was extremely fortunate with the amount of support I had and not everyone does but there is ALWAYS a way out. Even if it seems impossible at the time. Abusers don't change and it's never your fault. You are worth so much more.

Yvonne (@champagneandsnottynoses)

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Addiction/Pages/addictionhome.aspx

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