11 things to expect as a working mum on your return to the office:

1) Practice your happy face. Be prepared to answer, “Is he a sleeper” or “Is he good” or “when are you having another one” over 25 times a day starting as you step through the door.  Do these people even like your or are they just saying these things so that you quickly have another never to return.

2) You’ll be back at work officially but will probably spend most of your time off sick. Within the first 6 months nursery resembles a large magnet attracting a plethora of viral infections and ancient diseases that you didn’t even think animals could contract. You, your poor bubba, your entire household and all grandparents, long lost cousins and nearby animals contract the diseases. 111 is now logged in your favourites and Calpol has its own shelf in the fridge.

3) You spend most of your wages on childcare for the luxury of being a person again. Yes, childcare equate to two additional mortgages but somehow going to the toilet and drinking a cup of tea on your own balances the numbers.

4) You feel guilty all the time. Relentlessly guilty. It really won’t matter what you do or don’t do you’ll feel like the worst human alive. You even look up guilty in the dictionary just to check your not being personally listed in Oxfords finest.

5) You find yourself over compensating for not working a full week. The one extra day at home obviously means it falls upon you to clean/ food shop/ shove a broom up you’re a** to complete all the household chores. Oh, and please do this whilst looking after your tiny human.

6) You may have to cut out your tongue to save your marriage or perhaps any relationship around you. When you’ve completed point 5, you’re having a play with the kids and a few toys happen to be strewn around the living room when your husband walks in harping “It’s a right mess in here” and “what’s for dinner”. Remember to breath, remember the kids need their daddy in the long term and the police will know you did it.

7) The rules at home suddenly don’t hold as much weight. You find yourself allowing chocolate at bedtime because a) you want a bar and can’t face the negotiation and b) you arrived home late tonight so It will help make the little bambinos love you again. The stay at home yummy mummy idyllic image preparing organic casseroles in your high heels is long lost to the readymade pizza delivery girl because what the f*&k is that thing called time anyway.

8) You say a hundred times “I don’t work on Fridays” to colleagues, the office tea boy, or anyone who will listen when another meeting gets scheduled. You then must repeat that you can’t swap your day off just because Janet really wants that meeting.

9) You find yourself the drunkest and last woman standing at work dos because who gets sleep anyway and you must show you’re still fun. You’ll prove it by singing the thong song at 2am whilst the youth has long left to get up early for yoga.

10) You form silent alliances with other parents. A heroic nod to a mum in finance who looks wrecked after a week of teething. An eye roll then a look of utter confusion when a casual phrase such as “anyone fancy a drink after work” gets dropped into conversation like it means nothing. Don’t they understand the childcare coordination of just being at work. But a drink. Ha. A drink. Comedians all of them. The cherry on top and willpower it takes to keep your mouth clamped shut before the words “are you on crack or just clinically insane” spill out of it when another 24-year-old tells you they slept all weekend watching movies but “are just so tired” as they got up at 8am for work this morning. You might have to exclude yourself from the next tea round before you pepper it with laxatives. That will show them tired as the toilet trips kick in at their own bedtime.

11) You find yourself daydreaming about going on holiday. We’re not talking about dreams to exotic destinations, or even a trip involving a flight. The hotel down the road provides sufficient appeal so that you can sleep for 3 days straight without any demands from anyone.

So returning mums remember you’ve got this s@*t. There is only one of us to go around so remember that we must be out of this world for everyone to want a piece of us.

Written by Vee @maxedoutmumma