Bad Mum

Magazine

28 February 2018

Feature: Slimming World Recipes


So you know when you do Slimming World, you’re meant to love crustless quiche?

Well, I hate it. The texture makes me feel really weird.

So in a bid to try and like it, I added some leftover rice. GAME CHANGER!

See below for my syn free crustless quiche recipes. One vegetarian and one for the meat eaters.

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27 February 2018

23 February 2018

Becoming an Egg Donor!



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In Defence of Coleen Rooney


Right. Hold tight readers. I'm getting on my high horse.

I never thought I'd one day write a blog in defence of Coleen Rooney! I've never given her much thought really. I think it's fair to say she's not going to be remembered as a feminist icon; for a number of reasons. Actually, that's not kind. Perhaps behind closed doors she is in fact a raging advocate for equality... who knows. To all intents and purposes she seems to me to be a good Mother, the constant in her boys' lives while Daddy is off kicking a ball around/drink driving/bonking old ladies.

We've all got our opinions about how much she should or shouldn't put up with from the delectable Wayne; but hey you know the drill; never judge a woman til you've walked a mile in her (Christian Louboutin) shoes.

Anyway; she's always struck me as a kinda good egg. A normal, working class girl who got lucky (if you consider being married to Wayne Rooney good luck).

So I was foaming on her behalf to hear some of the 'congratulations' being offered to her on the birth of her fourth son Cass.

As expected, through all the saccharin sweet commentary, there was an undertone of 'oh she must be so disappointed bless her! Imagine; yet another healthy bouncing baby boy...ah... well you never know maybe the 5th member of the five-a-side team will be a girl!'

I'd kind of have more respect for the journalists/tv presenters if they said 'Eeesh I bet she's livid! She'll be off to America like that Danielle Lloyd to do sex selection.' But they don't. It's insidious and implied.

Worse still is that more often than not these commentators are women, some are mothers. Somehow that makes their passive aggression/jealousy/meanness even more unseemly. Haven't women got enough to feel less than perfect about these days without being borderline dissed for not managing to pop out an equal ratio of boys to girls?

So; let's look at this two ways:

Firstly... You know; maybe Coleen doesn't want a girl. Maybe, like me, after boy number one or number two, or number three, even if she'd always imagined she would have a daughter one day; she realised that she could not possibly love this little person an ounce more if he was the proud owner of a giant vagina.

Maybe she loves the boisterous craziness followed swiftly by the fierce breath-taking cuddles. Maybe she loves the footy, the mud, the never-ending penis chat and the rough and tumble of it all. Maybe her boys don't even all fit that stereotypical boy-mould and she's already got one who is up for shopping trips and spa days. (As for me... Come on Ellis, you're my last hope - the other two would be ejected from the spa for dive bombing in the jacuzzi or pissing in the plunge pool within five minutes.)


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22 February 2018

Wedding Crashers - surviving a wedding with children

Around the age of 25 I realised I had definitely reached adulthood as wedding invitations started gracing my door mat in abundance.  Pre – children I loved weddings.  Seriously, what’s not to love?  A slap up meal, a few (ahem  – several!) glasses of bubbly, catching up with friends and family, a party and boozing into the wee hours.  Pre-sproglets, the only thing not to like about matrimonial celebrations was the morning after. 



So a couple of months ago when my big brother got hitched and my entourage consisted of an 8 month old and a three year old, I’ll be honest, there was a slight feeling of dread.  I wasn’t too worried about Baba as she was still immobile then so the level of havoc she could create was on a smaller scale.  Sure there was always the chance of a screaming fit of epic proportions that would give a group of banshees a run for their money but Lucy is pretty chilled out so this was unlikely.  The pre-schooler on the other hand; well, this is the child that rarely sits still for more than 0.03 seconds, is always charging about so consequently crashes in his bed by 7pm at the latest.  Coupled with this, it was to be our first night snoozing (well attempting to snooze) in a family room.  Yes that’s right – ALL of my children sleeping in one room – kill me now.

But…. apart from Sebastian categorically refusing to play his part as ring bearer  (I made a lovely stand in page boy if I do say so myself) the trauma I was building myself up to did not materialise.

Here are my top tips for surviving a wedding with children in tow:



1. LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU

Bored children do not make for happy children and sitting quietly through a wedding ceremony and formal meal do not feature highly in a child’s top ten list of fun things to do!  We were lucky, my sister-in-law was super organised with a play tent and boxes packed full of toys for the little ‘uns but if in doubt pack LOADS of toys.  Also don’t forget your smart phone.  Post – ring bearer meltdown Sebastian was a tad emotional during the ceremony but the Peppa Pig painting app kept him quiet throughout the legalities.



2. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

A wedding day is not, I repeat NOT, the day to worry about your mini me’s getting their full quota of veg.  Pretty sure Sebastian ate his weight in crisps throughout the day but hey, it was only one day!  In fact, during a post ceremony energy level slump I high tailed it back to our room to grab some sugary goodness to stuff into the three year old.  We’re getting through this day with as few dramas as possible here people not winning parenting awards!



3. NIGHT FEVER

If, like me, you have a completely hyperactive sproglet then the evening’s dancing entertainment is where you can start to relax.  Grandparents, Aunts, cousins, work colleagues, complete strangers will all be amused by a three year cutting some serious moves on the dance floor.  Let them enjoy it i.e. they get their groove on while you recline with a glass of vino supervising (AKA parenting) from your pew.

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How to make chores fun for kids!


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21 February 2018

MAGIC HOMEWORK ROOMS, TRAMPOLINE FLOORS AND SAUSAGE-LLAMAS: KID’S DREAM HOMES REVEALED!


  • Survey of children aged 3-11 reveals Disneyland with free rides as their dream home
  • David Attenborough, edible walls and house robots top the list
  • Magic homework rooms, sausage-llama pets and dinosaur parks also favourite features for kids
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20 February 2018

Should child maintenance include childcare costs?

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Young children at high risk of emotional damage from accessing adult content


Kids are only ever three seconds from online danger at home as parents unintentionally neglect to protect young children
Parents are not toddler-proofing their online world, with a huge 87 per cent[1] of parents admitting that they don’t restrict how much time their young children spend online – three-year olds are spending more than four hours a week with these ‘digital babysitters’ and being exposed to potential psychological harm, warns Kaspersky Lab.
There is a significant discrepancy in the ways that parents of young children protect them from harm, through both physical and digital environments, a Kaspersky Lab investigation has uncovered. With the high number of connected devices now in the home[2], children are on average spending over four hours a week watching video content online – and are only ever three seconds away from danger[3], yet 87 per cent of parents have neglected to toddler-proof their online world.


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Embrace - the documentary



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A Love Letter to Sophie the Giraffe

When you were little, who did you love the most? Some of you will have been inseparable from your Mummy. After all, she looked after you in her tumtum for 9 months, keeping you safe and warm. Some of you will have loved your Daddy, feeling protected and loving to feel his scratchy Velcro face.

Not my son. 

He’s in love with a 7 inch plastic Giraffe called Sophie.

Sophie la Girafe (which roughly translates as ‘Sophie the Giraffe’) was first created back in the 1960’s by Vulli, a French company. Since then, over 30 million have been sold. Unlike those tryhards Barbie and Sindy, Sophie hasn’t changed for close to 60 years.
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8 February 2018

Know Your Social Media Apps For Your Kids


My belief is that, as parents, we need to embrace ALL of social media and by embrace I mean know about it and what it does. We don't have to use it, but it helps. I have acquaintances that dismiss social media as the devil and declare they want nothing to do with it. They are parents and I think this is neglect. You wouldn't send your child off to an unknown destination so why let them use an unknown app?
A number of parents with primary aged children contacted me, via Instagram, to ask if I would elaborate on the apps: their use, age limits and I thought I would add my own thoughts/comments on how my teens - or teens I know - are using the ones I am aware of. I hope it helps?
13+ is the suggested use of most Social Media Accounts, which ties in with the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act.  My descriptions may seem limited but if you google them yourself, you will find more elaborate details but the actual information provided by the sites is very clear on how it can be written/shared (I’m not willing to take a risk!)

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A host of parenting words amongst those to become part of the Oxford English Dictionary family

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7 February 2018

10 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR FERTILITY

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You Are Not Alone

Whether you are a first time Mother with a brand new baby or a Mother with young children, I want you to know that I understand how hard being a Mother can be.  Being a Mother can be the most satisfying feeling a woman has. It empowers women, but it can also be one of the most overwhelming feelings a woman has. To the Mother who is doing her absolute best yet still feels like she isn’t enough, I want you know that you are not alone. I understand you. I understand your feelings, your emotions, and your mindset.

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4 February 2018

Guilt of a Working Mother

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Ladies just play nice

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Diversify your village



People are always shocked to learn my best friends don't have kids. As if we're on some sort of opposite teams. Montague and Capulet style. It's not the case. We're most definitely on the same team. I've known these girls forever. When you have kids you lose a lot of friends. Nothing separates the wheat from the chaff like having a baby but these ladies have stood the test of time. Poor buggers!

It takes a village to raise a child but that village isn't exclusive to fellow parents. We need to stop overlooking people with no kids. It's too easy to assume they don't want to be involved in 'kid' stuff but how would we feel if our kidless ladies didn't include us in their lives? People often say people who don't have kids can't advise on kids and I totally disagree. Unsolicited advice is always bullshit but some of the best advice I've received was from my childless girls. Sometimes it's nice to get a view from a completely different perspective.

These 3 amazing girls take the time out their day to read my WhatsApps bitching about my kids, they have taken calls where I'm crying down the phone and the kids are screaming in the background while they're at work trying to get their own shit done. They supported me when I was on my own, through many ridiculous dating experiences and still continue to support me now that I'm married. They have their own lives with their own commitments but they always make time for me. They even keep me in the loop with current music etc. These girls keep me young! We're a team and it works!

They listen to me gush when the kids are exceptionally amazing and welcome all my biased Mum pics. They come to my kids parties because they want to. They've even organised some of them. It isn't put on. They love my kids and my kids love them. They're part of our family. They're the cool aunties who spoil them every Christmas and birthday with things I'd never dream of buying them. Thanks for that play doh Charis! They take precious time out their busy lives to spend quality time with my babies. In order to give me some peace. They even enjoy it. On days when they could be drinking cocktails willy nilly they do a child friendly lunch with me and my kids instead. That shit doesn't go unnoticed.

My husband loves them too which is a bonus. I had to marry him because he's the only man all 3 have agreed on. True story!

Mum friends are amazing and they can relate but it saddens me to see a sort of us and them with people who don't have kids. We mattered before we had kids and my girls matter. We will continue to exist once our kids fly the nest so I think we need to remember that we're more than just Mums. We're all people. Having kids isn't the only valid achievement in life. These ladies have careers and can pee whenever they like but never once have they looked down their noses at me for being the Mum who sits lusting over Mr Bloom with unwashed hair all week.

If my ladies ever do decide to go down the motherood
 path I'll be over the moon. I'll buy their kids noisy toys and teach them every nursery rhyme I know. I won't love them any more though, I couldn't if I tried.

It's easy for me to look at their lives and think it's easy for them. Truth is life is never easy. Everyone has their stumbling blocks and they're just as important as ours. All our problems and worries are relevant.

Build your village ladies. The more diverse it is the better. Let's not exclude anyone. We're the first to complain when places aren't child friendly so let's remember that. We're all friends.

Yvonne @champagneandsnottynoses x



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