Bad Mum

Magazine

4 March 2018

Smokey eyes on exhausted eyes (a make up tutorial story)








I wear the same make up day in day out, I make a bit more of an effort when I have a night out (10 minutes instead of the normal 5) and my routine is I put a bit of foundation, colour my eyebrows, blusher, eyeshadow and mascara. I may add a lip balm but that’s it... done. No time taken but at least I have a bit of slap on and feel I have ‘made an effort’.

I am also aware that I am ageing, I know I am not old but I am not as young as I used to be and I have 3 kids (they age you, they may keep your heart young but they are fuckers to your skin and body).
With the ageing process in mind I have been trying to make more of an effort with clothes and so the next step was to mix up my makeup.

I have been considering going to a Mac counter and getting my makeup done by a pro, but then with YouTube who needs it when you can watch a tutorial, so last night my make up got some serious usage and I followed Tanya Burrs video. The end result should be a sultry smokey eyed Cara Delevingne look. Quite sexy I thought, I am sure Patrick will approve (snigger).

So I began watching this beautiful, full lipped spring chicken apply her foundation  (she skipped the full routine but informed us, the viewers, that this process takes her 6 minutes), errrrrrr, what the....? Does she cook dinner, wee and make the beds too in that time because what the hell takes 6 minutes. I even followed it so precisely I used a brush to apply it and within 30 seconds I was satisfied that I had a full spread and no tram lines.

Next up was the eye brows, and here was where I realised I may have made a mistake. Tanya tells us (the viewers) that we need to create Caras eyebrows, well Cara’s eyebrows are bigger than my tits and honestly my scrawny face couldn’t take such decoration, so while I went a little darker I didn't exactly follow that aspect to the letter. I did now look very pale with black slugs above my eye balls. Maybe the eyeshadow will help....

That was the next step, while the lovely Tanya explained that the best eyeshadow to use was her own brand (shock!!), she applied her shimmer in the sockets and then told us to move onto the black eye shadow (the only colour in my Naked palette unused!). She skilfully gave a beautiful slick and blend to make her eyes look smokey with a "wing". My turn, I looked like I had applied Halloween makeup and looked like a cat. Anya informed me I needed to blend the eyeshadow with a beauty blender (tiny sponge). It may have smudged it but it was clear I had been slightly heavy handed with the black.

I reassured myself that we still hadn’t done the bronzer and mascara and with that my face would balance out and my eyes would look less bruised and more smokey sex goddess. The mascara and eyeliner don’t really help, they make the black, well, blacker. (The photos don't seem to show how pale and black eyed I really looked, or do they?).

So next she applied ten tonnes of concealer (wicked, because honestly my teenage spots have never left), and then we contour!!! Have you ever done this?? Think, try to make yourself look like a skull, but prettier. So I do what she says and I add some bronze stuff and I am afraid to say I am not looking as fresh as I thought, considering the crazy amount of time and effort I had now given this process.


Now came the lips, bright red lips, so there goes the rule of if you go for eyes then have subtle lips and vice versa. The lipstick was striking and after I had removed half of it from my teeth I was rather shocked by how bright it was (but it makes your teeth look crazy white).


Beautiful sultry Tanya now tells us (the viewers) that the look is complete. I look at her on the screen and she looks glorious, she says that she loves this look because it’s sexy but not too heavy or over the top (this is not a quote but she says something like that). Looking at her, I completely agree, she looks divine, now it’s my turn for a glimpse of my new look.

I didn’t really need to look in the mirror to know what I was facing, because next to me my beautiful daughter, who had also done the tutorial and looked fantastic, was literally pissing herself. To be honest the laughter wasn't justified and no, I didn't look fantastic, I also didn't look like a clown (well more zombie that clown). I think that it is just a shock as generally my make up is trying to look like I am not wearing any makeup and I am not sure I can pull of sultry nor sexy.
The big reveal to my husband, who was happily watching foot ball downstairs, didn't go quite to plan either and in his defence I think he was being quite generous with his word "oh god, you look like a teenager who has got hold of their mums make up".
In between her tears of laughter, my daughter breathed words like “maybe the lipstick is the wrong red” and “you need to learn to blend more”.
The upshot was I reached for the simple wipes (after taking a few comical shots for you readers) and took the whole lot off. 45 minutes I spent putting that slap on. 60 seconds and 3 (yes 3) simple wipes later and I am scraped clean again.



To be honest it’s clear that this look didn’t work for me. I am also not plump skinned and beautiful like the glorious Tanya and my equally perfect daughter, but, and I am sure I will do some more of these tutorials, it was great fun and made Anya (and myself) cry with laughter.

I think my next attempt at new make up should be at a beauty counter and then maybe a few new make up items (a lovely mothers day present? HINT HINT Mr Johnson). I am not a make up artist and for now I think its best that I stick to my basic routine.



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