Bad Mum

Magazine

20 September 2018

The 8 most exhausting parenting times of the day






1.       Brushing teeth time.

The wall, the floor, the ankles of my trousers, the kid’s hair, my hair, my shoes. Is there anywhere the un-wipeable substance doesn’t attach itself too, apart from teeth. The white stained sodden towel gets folded over to survive another morning.

Exhaustion level: 4



2.       Getting the kids out the house time.

I look at the clock. Ok 30 minutes before we’re not just late, but so late we might just die in a real life Trollstice. The kind of hysteria experienced by those poor colourful, gravity hair defying babes when they realised The Burgens had indeed come to town. However, right now we have 30 minutes and the party is under control. I’m calm and a little smug. Only teeth, shoes, coats and exiting the door to combat.  I blink, and somehow the situation remains unchanged for the next 28 minutes. Not a thing or a body has moved forward to achieve the things to do before we leave the house list, yet my throat is hoarse and my vocal cords appear to have undergone a serious strain. 

Exhaustion level: 15



3.       Let’s wash our hair time. 

I’m a little confused how the shampoo specifically bought for the no more tears promise can create so many tears. I study the label for a further five minutes.

“Close your eyes, head back, here’s the flannel, look there’s still suds, just one more pour” said 27 times over. 

Exhaustion level: 5



4.       Dinnertime. 

Me: “Dinner’s on the table cherubs”

(Currently still bubbling in the pot - I’m snack surfing on anything in my line of sight) 

Me: “Kids dinner time”

(Currently three minutes left on the timer - can’t find anything else to graze on)

Me: “Kids seriously dinner IS on the table”

(Currently dishing up four variations of the same meal)

Me: “KIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDS dinner is ON THIS table

(It’s now getting dangerously close to being on the table) 

Me: “Shall I just eat on my own then”

(Said whilst currently at the table eating on my own) 

Me: “Right the dinner is going in the bin so no choc now”

A sudden stampede to the table. 

Exhaustion level 10



5.       Let’s get out the bath time. 

Press plug, realise plug has been pressed back in. Hide plug up high. Realise flannel has been placed over plug to stem drainage. Someone then pressed ‘the wave machine’.  I can confirm that two tiny bodies swaying in 2cm of water can create more water than exists in the sea. I am informed that even without water they can still play the bath is a slide game. ‘OK I’m going downstairs so no play time before bed’. After a slippery squeaky scramble, I bolt back up the stairs realising half the duo cannot safely make it out the bunker unscathed. Two towels are wrapped around two bodies for less than two seconds and four towels are required to wipe the aftermath of the tidal wave. 

Exhaustion Level: 8



6.       Tidy up toys time.

Once we are all in ‘agreeance’ that we don’t reside at the school’s Tombola, the shared fun of tidying can begin.  Mid-tidy, there is either a lot of distracted playing or a hidden conveyer belt regurgitating the toys to different corners of the room. 

Exhaustion level 7. 



7.       Kids Bedtime 

The exhaustion level is obviously beyond recordable at this point. After passing out for an hour, more surprising is the position I fell asleep in. I shake the pins and needles out my arm to ensure it is in perfect working order to lift the wine and chocolate to my mouth in order for adult time to commence. I’m then wide eyed and bushy tailed for the next four hours cramming in as much adult time as possible, batting off my husband’s quips. ‘Yes, I did say I was going to go to bed early tonight’, then ‘No it’s not too late to start sanding the sideboard’ and ‘Yes, I am exhausted, but I’ll be fine in the morning.’



8.       Morning time. 

Me: “It’s definitely not morning time kids, it’s actually the middle of the night. See” as I point to a closed curtain.

Me: “Babes I’ve had such a broken night sleep give me half hour yeah?”

Exhaustion level: 158

By @maxedoutmumma


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