Bad Mum

Magazine

7 September 2018

To my BFF: I'm so excited by your pregnancy news, but please understand my heart is also breaking


To my BFF,

I want you to read this in the spirit in which it is intended because you are my friend and I love you dearly, but there is a part of me that I have been hiding away from you, I have kept it locked away in a box deep deep inside of me. It has been there for quite a while, and over time I have got very good at keeping this suppressed so well because opening and sharing it with the rest of the world is so very painful. But I feel the time has now come and I am entrusting you with my broken heart.

I (we) want a baby, I want a baby with every cell, muscle and bone in my body! My body aches for our baby. My every waking thought are consumed with if, how and when we will get pregnant. What I should be doing, how I should be thinking, and what I should consume (or not), not allowing myself even a sip of wine, as I know I will internally chastise myself over and over again if we don’t fall this month.

I fantasise about what our baby will look like, what we will name him or her, how we will share our news with our friends and family, proudly updating my Facebook profile with our first scan picture.
I want nothing more than to see that blue line appear, instead of the regular arrival of my period.

To wake up in the morning with morning sickness, feel butterfly flutters in my tummy, to share that my baby is now the size of a grain of rice, to feel tired because my body is growing a human, and to slowly watch my feet disappear as my bump gets bigger…..

But sadly, this is not the case for us, as you see it is just not happening for us, no matter how hard we try, and as each day/week/month passes by that it doesn’t, a tiny piece of me disappears. I hear the sounds of my biological clock ticking by like the sounds of Big Ben, and spend days wondering what my life’s purpose is now that my future plans of motherhood seem to keep moving further and further away. Days where I feel like such a failure, that I am unable to achieve the sole purpose of being created…this is what my body was made to do right? It is a wonder to me sometimes that I am even able to get out of my bed as the weight of infertility is too much to bear at times.

And then my beautiful, darling friend, you share your glorious news….you are having a baby, and I am completely over the moon for you, truly I am. We have shared so much together and I want to share this journey with you, please believe me when I say that, but I need, want you to know, that whilst I am overjoyed for you and want to pull you close and hug and squeeze you, I also want to run home as quick as I can and scream very loud and cry a river.

Because your pregnancy news is a reminder that I am not, and yes that may sound completely self-absorbed and selfish, but I need to be honest with you, all I can think about is myself…..I am living this reality every day, seeing pregnant women everywhere I turn, seeing pregnancy news on social media…..you see the conscious mind has a great way of showing you what you want…. think about the last time you decided to buy a new car and then you saw that make and model EVERYWHERE!

Our friendship means so much to me, my intention here is good, which is why I am sharing this with you now. I am not asking you to not share your pregnancy journey with me, or not involve me in any plans you may have, but I am asking you to be mindful. Mindful that some days are hard and if I seem less than interested or don’t reply to a text. 

If I say I will make it to your baby shower and then don’t come along……forgive me.


With love, your friend xx

Written by Steph @she_holds_space

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