Magazine

24 January 2019

Does this happen to all women?




I have always been honest with the fact that I didn’t want any more children, Jake was more than enough for me; for us.

Jake still keeps me awake, takes my every waking thought, drains me emotionally and physically and is a law to himself. I couldn’t even imagine choosing to go back to the beginning and doing it all again.

Then in a second, he can be making me laugh, squeezing me so tightly and telling me I am a beautiful Mummy, which I don’t want to share with anyone else.

I never really say how hard the last few years have been and maybe I will slowly on here over time, but I think those days sealed my motherhood fate.

So why am I feeling this way?

The only way I can describe it is by saying I feel the need to complete my family in some way. Now I don’t know if this is by getting married, getting knocked up or getting a bloody cat!

Could I really do it all again? Well yes, because us Mum’s are hardcore so don’t ask stupid questions but when, like tonight it has taken me three hours to get Jake to sleep as he is thinking about everything under the sun, then could I do it again? Or when Jake is throwing objects across the room and hitting me, could I?

Jake is the reason this seed has been planted in the first place. He, like all children do, keep asking me for a brother or sister and when can we go to the Co-Op to buy one? When I have saved up enough coupon’s son, as a reply, doesn’t really cut the mustard anymore.

He is so loving to younger children and just wants to look after them, this on its own makes my heart melt and the Mum guilt go into overdrive. Then I have always said you should never have another child from guilt or to make a relationship work.

When we are out and about and Jake is doing his thing, I now always try to picture having another child there too, and if I am really honest, I think “OMG it would be too hard”. My head is fucked, an absolute mess. One week I will look at babies and think of having another one, and I get butterflies in my stomach, then the following week I can think “no fucking way am I doing it again” while trying to microwave my own head for some peace.

Of course, it isn’t even a given that I would be lucky enough to fall pregnant again now anyway and I am 36 which is no spring chicken (but also not too old!) But then you sit around doing the maths in your head working out how old I will be when the child turns eighteen (standard) and if that is too old to be still going down the pub sharing a pint.

Si and I even had one of them long, deep and meaningful conversations, that are as rare as seeing a red moon and you end up saying things that the next morning will probably regret. But since I was young, I have always wanted to adopt or foster a child; to give a child a loving home and the family they deserve, which all children deserve, and we spoke about that. I think Si may have regretted that one the next day, but I carried that around in my head too with all the other crap in the mind suitcase. 

Is it just being a woman and the biological clock ticking away? Is it an age you reach, and you think about all these endless possibilities because you don’t want regret or disappointment down the line? Are we programmed to all have these crazy thoughts because we are designed to make life? Or, isn’t it enough what we already have, and we always want more, all the time? Is it hormones kicking in? A midlife crisis perhaps? I am already doing shit loads, so I feel the need to add more on?

What?

Or, is it just because the really hard part of looking after Jake is nearly done and my default setting is to replace that?  

I just fill like there is a missing link to my family and I am not sure what that is exactly or maybe the issues lie with me and I am unaware of what they are.

I do know that I am very lucky to have what I do have right now, and I would never take that for granted in a million years, so maybe a pet it is for now while I wait to see if all these feelings pass me by.

Well it has taken me months to grind Si down to agreeing to us getting a cat so it would be a shame to waste that opportunity, and Jake calls everything ‘Terry’ so if you want to know where the crazy hormonal woman called Sophie is, just listen out for her shouting for a cat called Terry to come the fuck home.

Written by Sophie (aka Bad Mum) 



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